I think the Rays could use some inspiration from R. Lee Ermey. I’m sure you’re familiar with his work on the Geico commercial where he plays a former drill Sergeant turned therapist. What would he have to say to the Rays offense?
Alright you bunch of pansy asses listen up and listen good. You have now managed to lose five games in a row. So how about you remove those five fingers from your buttocks and start using them to play baseball. You aren’t paid a boatload of money to stand there and look pretty. Except for the home run festival on Saturday, your pitchers are trying to carry your ton of tonnage but their shoulders are bursting at the seams.
Here’s what you’re going to do. First you will have a good dinner. Stuff some mans food into those ugly mugs. Meat and potatoes, none of this foofy sushi shit. Then you will have a stiff drink. No freakin cosmos or Michelob lights, I’m talkin brown liquor boys. Next you are to report directly to your rooms. Yep showers and bed. Sorry losers don’t get no poontang.
Tomorrow night you play the Tigers in “Operation Beat Down.” They are broken and you’re essentially playing the Toledo Mudhens. In other words there is no bloody excuse in this entire world for you weasels to fail. You got that. So chug on over to mamby-pamby land and find your hitting confidence, ya bunch of jack wagons. You’ve been doing this your whole lives. Quit over complicating it and hit the damn ball. Now, get outta my face so I can enjoy what little I have left of my weekend that you stomped shit all over.
Good job. Musta worked.